Puns for the educated...

[Claude]

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression: "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

Once upon a time there were three Indian squaws: One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, an d the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

[HansV]

Those are REALLY bad, Claude!

Don't let Charlotte read them!

[viking33]

Baaaaad but good!

[Leif]

What an awful start to a Sunday...

[StuartR]

Thank you for a good on a Sunday morning

[Claude]

Thank you for a good on a Sunday morning

1 does what 1 can

[stuck]

Then there is the one about the African chief who was forever buying a new throne. Sadly he was killed when the building where he kept the old ones collapsed on top him, which goes to show that "people who live in grass houses shouldn't store thrones."

Ken

[HansV]

Stuckling 1 or 2?

[Bowlie]

Then there is the one about the African chief who was forever buying a new throne. Sadly he was killed when the building where he kept the old ones collapsed on top him, which goes to show that "people who live in grass houses shouldn't store thrones."

Ken

Er, shouldn't that be Stow thrones?

[stuck]

Stuckling 1 or 2?

No, not this time. I think it originally came from the venerable Radio 4 series 'My Word' and thus should be attributed to either Denis Norden or Frank Muir.

Er, shouldn't that be Stow thrones?

Probably.

Ken

[steveh]

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression: "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

Once upon a time there were three Indian squaws: One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, an d the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

Despite the comments from other loungers, I like puns.

So much so in fact that when our local paper ran a pun competition I sent in 10 original puns and told my wife I was sure of first prize. When she asked me a couple of weeks later if any of mu puns had won a prize I sadly had to tell her no, "In fact no pun in ten did"!!

I'll groan for everybody

[Claude]

When she asked me a couple of weeks later if any of my puns had won a prize I sadly had to tell her no, "In fact no pun in ten did"!!

welcome home you sick puppy

[silverback]

A woman gave birth to identical twins. Unfortunately, she and her husband were not able to keep them, so they were adopted. One boy went to an Egyptian couple and was named Amal; the other went to a Spanish couple and was named Juan.

Years later, Juan located his birth mother and sent her a letter and a photo.

"Oh" said the woman, "he's so handsome. I wish I had a photo of Amal"
"Silly you." said the husband. "They're identical twins. When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal"