How to become a best-selling author in one easy step

[ChrisGreaves]

I have just completed a rough survey of a part of my fiction holdings.
In particular I have analyzed 200 titles picked at random from my shelves, and laid out, in four rows (or Tiers) spine-up, on the bed in my guest room.
The spreadsheet is attached.

Here's the tip: Change your surname to one starting with the letter "B".

About $50 slipped to the Clerk of the County Court, plus, no doubt, $10 for the filing fee, then just start writing.

For those of you whose surname already starts with "B", but are afraid of being swamped in the flood of new authors (all writing a work of fiction titled "The Definitive History and Nocturnal Ramblings of Eileen's Lounge"), for a modest fee - you be the judge - emailed to me, I can supply a more detailed analysis of authors surnames that start with "B".

As a rough guide, double your first remunerative thought for each extra letter-depth into the surname.

Cheers
Chris Breaves

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P.S. I have developed a sliding scale for BobH, in case you were wondering.

[ChrisGreaves]

I have just completed a rough survey of a part of my fiction holdings.

Of course the skeptical amongst you will want to express doubts.

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Here is a recent photo of the bed in my guest room, covered with - 201 books. Go ahead! Count them!

And yes, some of you are already wondering how many of those "S" authored-books are by Danielle Steele.
I did NOT include any Danielle Steel titles in my survey because Danielle Steel was NOT laid out spine-up on the bed.
All the Danielle Steel books are in two cartons out by the back door.
As are all the books by Stuart Woods.
Composting will be off to an early start next May!
Cheers
Chris

[HansV]

Best-selling author Chris Breaves...
Sounds good.

[Leif]

Sounds book-spine-tingling.

[ChrisGreaves]

Best-selling author Chris Breaves...Sounds good.

There will be a sequel, of course, "Grieves Bereaved".
Cheers
Chris

[ChrisGreaves]

Sounds book-spine-tingling.

Never mind about the book-spine.
Think of how my guest(s) will manage to sleep.
Jack Nicholson's waterbed experience in "All About Schmidt" will seem tame by comparison!
Ting-a-ling indeed!
Cheers
Chris

[HansV]

Or perhaps "The Da Bonavista Code" by Dan Breaves.

[LisaGreen]

Angon.... Am I mistaken in thinking that Chris has name problems? Does he wish he was someone else??!!

[ChrisGreaves]

Or perhaps "The Da Bonavista Code" by Dan Breaves.

Well, Hans, this is embarrassing!
Chris

Bonavista_20201028_075343.JPG

Yesterday late afternoon I finished rebuilding the Guest Room shelves and re-stocked the books in approximate order by author name - the reason for doing a sample on 200 books to see who would fit where.
I messed up a bit on the "C"s, and the "S"s, but managed to wing it, and here I am (above) with books stacked three-deep in some cases, distributed amongst twelve "bays", each bay being half a shelf (that's 0.5 of a shelf in metric)

Then I took the night off and watched Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, something I've been meaning to do for quite a while now.

Something about the movie seemed disturbingly familiar, so this morning I went back into the Guest Room and it looked re-assuringly familiar, just as I'd left it last night.

Then, in a flash of inspiration, I re-arranged the position of just two books.

Bonavista_20201028_075400.JPG

You seem to have anticipated my problem!

Now what do I do? Read the darn book once, then speed-read it twice (2.0 in metric)?
Hide all three copies in the Danielle Steel, Robert Ludlum (yes ) or wossname Woods cartons?

BobH is being very quiet these days. I have a more-than-sneaking suspicion that he has a new dance.
A snow dance.

Cheers

[ChrisGreaves]

Angon.... Am I mistaken in thinking that Chris has name problems? Does he wish he was someone else??!!

Lisa, until I arrived in Bonavista, I pretty well always wished I was someone else. Mainly because most of the other 7,000,000,000 people lived somewhere where I wasn't then.
But now I am happy that I am who I am because only 3,799 other people live where I am, and the pension having arrived today I remain the richest man in Bonavista.

I am, however, the most embarrassed, and I'll tell you why, but don't go blabbing this to other people, OK?

You will have read (above) that I have three copies of Dan Brown's "The DaVinci Code", and, like me, you are probably asking, "Why did dumb-ass-an-ox end up with three copies of a book he has never read and has no intention of reading?".
Good question.

The answer is that these 1,000 books are the ones I collected last July from the Clarenville Public Library.
Gor them cheap (please see "richest man" above) because - they were discards.

Discards: Books that are jettisoned by a library because no-one is borrowing them because no one is reading them, in most cases, because most people think that the books being discarded are not very good reading.

It follows therefore that if you want to be a best-selling author you should NOT change your name to one beginning with the letter "B".
My statistical premises were good.
My spreadsheet was well-constructed.
As far as I can tell there are no rounding errors in Excel.
And yet the source of my data has misled me down the wrong path.

So now, "How to become a best-selling author in two easy steps":-
First change your surname to something starting with the letter "B"
Secondly: change it again to something starting with one of the letters Q, U, Y, T, V, or Z.

Cheers
Chris
P.S. I have thrown in an Oxford Comma as a compensatory bonus.
C

[HansV]

Chris Qreaves?

[ChrisGreaves]

Chris Qreaves?

Good one Hans.
That's better than my first thought.
Cheers
Chris Quytvz
(rhymes with klutz)

[GeoffW]

Qris Zucchini

(Because you are what you eat - and this gives you a double shot of being a best selling author)

[ChrisGreaves]

Qris Zucchini. (Because you are what you eat - and this gives you a double shot of being a best selling author)

Geoff, let be the first to inform you: Zucchinis can give you more than a shot (but see Episode 129).
And I should know: I am down to my last 2.5 (metric) zucchinis!
Cheers
Chris

[BobH]

Imagine how relieved I was to learn - several posts into this thread - that those library books were not purloined but remaindered. It would have been with heavy heart indeed that I made the call to the RCMP to report our Mr. Greaves.

Thank you for relieving my anxiety, Christopher. And, I shall keep the French female at your abode entre nous.

[ChrisGreaves]

It would have been with heavy heart indeed that I made the call to the RCMP to report our Mr. Greaves.

You wouldn't be the first. The charming Constable Porter roused me from my bed one night at 11:30pm. From my diary for Sunday, May 26, 2019:-
I retired to bed exhausted around nine, read for three minutes and dropped off to sleep. Was woken by a strong flashing light and “Police!” uttered several times in a loud masculine feminine voice like Roderick Strode’s. I shot out of bed and was in the corridor before I thought to say “I am here; I am unarmed; don’t shoot!”. Scared the bejasus out of the five-foot-three blonde wearing a bullet-proof vest etc. “My God!” was my first thought, “Who has died?”.

... I shall keep the French female at your abode entre nous.

Merçi Mon Brave!
And I for my part shall not divulge your parochial inefficiency at being unable to convert a telephone number from the imperial value of 4,166,219,348 to the metric value of 7,092,187,927.
Deal?
Yours Machiavellianously (Episode 163)
Christophe

[LisaGreen]

Yours Machiavellianously

You're a prince!

[ChrisGreaves]

You're a prince!

And when I am king, you'll be my queen!
Cheers
Chris

[GeoffW]

Yours Machiavellianously

You're a prince!

Should that be a url? It's a broken link ATM.

[ChrisGreaves]

Should that be a url? It's a broken link ATM.

Par for the course.
All my marriages and relationships are broken.
It's not surprising that even the url links share the same fate ATM.
And not one of them has ever dispensed cash; indeed, it has been quite the opposite!

Besides which "When I am king, dilly-dilly, you'll be in charge of fixing ATMs" doesn't have quite the same romantic image, does it?
Cheers
Chris