Joke that made me laugh uncontrollably

[John Gray]

A three-legged dog limps up to a bar in the Wild West and says to the barman:

"Ah'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw..."

[steveh]

A three-legged dog limps up to a bar in the Wild West and says to the barman:

"Ah'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw..."

Hi John

Have you been in the 'Gloucester Triangle', that is yonks old, but if you want old wild west jokes how about

Q: what do you call a cowboy with no legs?

A: a low down bum

[John Gray]

Have you been in the 'Gloucester Triangle', that is yonks old

No doubt it is as old as cowboys themselves are, but it was nice to see it again! Perhaps some people out in the sticks haven't heard it before?

[stuck]

I hadn't head it

Ken

[Graeme]

If this is going to be a thread of jokes, I heard one yesterday that had a similar uncontrollable effect:

"I employed a blacksmith, but as soon as he started he made a bolt for the door."

[Bowlie]

How about a blond joke ...

The Best Blonde

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the
Arkansas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked
at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"The blondes
all nodded in the affirmative.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be
a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice
things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so
forth."
The detective turned to the first blonde, stuck the photo in her
face and then withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice
any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye
in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her
face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,"What about you? Notice
anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear
what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second
blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and
said,"This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo
in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right,
did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The
detective frowned,took another look at the picture, and began looking
at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a
puzzled expression and said,"You're absolutely right! His bio says he
wears contacts!How in the world could you tell that by looking at his
picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With
only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

[jonwallace]

An englishman, a scotsman and an irishman walk into a bar. The barman says "are you lot having a joke -- get out!"

[Bowlie]

OK - A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!"

or

A piece of string walks into a bar. He hops up onto a stool and yells to the bartender, "Hey! Gimme a drink!" The bartender picks up the string and throws it into the street. The string thinks, "I'll show 'im. I'll go back in disguise, he won't know it's me, and at the last minute I'll humiliate him. So the string contorts its body into a
whole different shape, and frizzes its hair ala a 'fro. It goes back in, hops onto the stool and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "You're that piece of string I threw out 5 minutes ago."

The string answers, "No. I'm a frayed knot."

or for

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender figures that a kangaroo probably isn't very economically aware, and
charges him $50. The marsupial orders a beer next time, and is charged $60. Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the better of him. He
casually remarks, "You know, we don't get too many kangaroos in here." The kangaroo replies, "At these prices, no wonder."

[VegasNath]

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender figures that a kangaroo probably isn't very economically aware, and
charges him $50. The marsupial orders a beer next time, and is charged $60. Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the better of him. He
casually remarks, "You know, we don't get too many kangaroos in here." The kangaroo replies, "At these prices, no wonder."

[Timelord]

Two guys walk into a bar...which is really stupid, 'cause you figure if the first guy walked into it the second one would have seen it and walked around.

[Bowlie]

How about ...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Bowlie]

or this one ... for the footballers (of a couple years ago)

Alex Ferguson calls David Beckham into his office.

'David,'he says, 'I'm worried about your performance the last few games.'

'Sorry, boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home.'

'Oh dear,' says Ferguson, pretending to care. 'What's up? Posh and Brooklyn okay?'

'Oh they're fine', says David. 'It's just that something's really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing me up.'

'Whatever's the matter, David?' says Fergie.

'Well, boss', says David, it's pretty serious. You see I'm really stuck on this jigsaw and...'

'A jigsaw?!!!' shouts Alex. 'You're messing up every time you play because of a jigsaw?!!!'

'Yeah, boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing myhead in!' says David in that horrible whining voice. 'It's really hard and it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and I even had my hair cut to try and cool my brain down and ...... it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I really want to finish it but it's really hard and it's doing my head in ....

Ferguson waits until even Beckham realises he's repeating himself and has got nothing else to say which took a bit longer than usual. 'David,' he says, with that conceited, irritating, smug smile he uses for self-congratulatory post-match interviews. 'Bring the tiger jigsaw in and let's have a look at it. For goodness sake, we've got to get you back to playing football.'

'Oh thanks, boss,' says David, 'that'd be really helpful 'cos it's really hard and it's a picture of a tiger and it's doing my head in, that tiger is.'

So David brings the jigsaw into Ferguson's office.

'Here it is, boss.' Beckham empties all the pieces from the box all over Ferguson's desk.

'David,' sighs Ferguson, 'put the Frosties back in the box.'

[VegasNath]

'David,' sighs Ferguson, 'put the Frosties back in the box.'

[Bowlie]

or how about this one, since we're talking about English football ...

It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're not very good and we can't be bothered."

Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself-you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)".

He is beating England all by himself!

A few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on."

They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)."

They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho.

They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them.

"I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, no, I have, I've let you down ... I got sent off after 12 minutes."

[VegasNath]

My ribs are aching.... :)

[Bowlie]

Gee, am I the only one who knows (good?) jokes?

A man goes into a chemists and says, "Do you have anything for a lost voice?"
The chemist replies, "Good morning Sir, how can I help?"

[ChrisGreaves]

Gee, am I the only one who knows (good?) jokes? A man goes into a chemists ...

No, you're not.
Go back and re-view The Hedge Sketch

[HansV]

... The Hedge Sketch

I hadn't seen that one, so thanks!

[Hey Jude]

... The Hedge Sketch

I hadn't seen that one, so thanks!

Me either!

Reminds me of Fawlty Towers with John Cleese going round and round with Manuel from Barcelona haha!

[DaveA]

A guy is 85 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,'Pick me up..'
He looked around and couldn't see any one.
He thought? he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom