Joke that made me laugh uncontrollably

[Hey Jude]

How about ...

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

ROFL

[Bowlie]

We haven't had a good joke for a few days. How about the top ten one-liners from the Edinburg 'Fringe'? Apparently the following were judged to be the best jokes this year:

1. Tim Vine: ''I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.''

2. David Gibson (as Ray Green): ''I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.''

3. Emo Philips: ''I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them.''

4. Jack Whitehall: ''I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought' - I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.''

5. Gary Delaney: ''As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.''

6. John Bishop: ''Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.''

7. Bo Burnham: ''What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.''

8. Gary Delaney: ''Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.''

9. Robert White: ''For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates - empty.''

10. Gareth Richards: ''Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub.''

[Bowlie]

And these were the worst!

1. Sara Pascoe: "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."

2. Sean Hughes: "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?"

3. Gyles Brandreth: "I've got nothing against lesbians. I mean, that's the point isn't it?"

4. Doc Brown: "I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price."

5. John Luke Roberts: "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."

6. Sarah Millican: "I bought a cross-trainer to keep fit. I suppose that it's not enough to just buy it."

7. Bec Hill: "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."

8. Dan Antopolski (Last year's winner???): "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."

9. Andi Osho: "Floella Benjamin is in the House of Lords. How did she get in, through the round window?"

10. Gareth Richards: "My mother is always taking photographs of me - she said if you disappear tomorrow I want you to look good on the news."

11. Emo Philips: "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."

[aardvark]

My wife asked me to get her something for her birthday that went from 0 - 160 in 3 seconds.

I bought her a new bathroom scale.

[SteveTetch]

Another smattering from this year's Edinburgh Fringe:

"I've got a tattoo on my chest of Che Guevara's head. The money I've saved on T-shirts...!"
or
" I was on the website for the charity 'Shelter' the other day. Did you know they've got a home page? Seems a bit insensitive, doesn't it?"
or
A man goes into a pub and asks the barmaid for a innuendo. So she gives him one.

In the words of the bard, "boom boom"

[Catz]

Here's a very old joke for ya.

A sales man was on a train that stopped at an old railroad station in the old west.

Sitting on a bench outside the station house was an old Arapaho Indian with a sign next to him that stated:

“I am the oldest living Indian that was at Custer’s last stand and can remember every last detail of the massacre”

The salesman opened his window and yelled out in a joking way:

“If you were really there, what did Custer have for breakfast that dreadful morning?”

The Indian looked at the salesman and yelled back “Eggs”.

The salesman smiled, said to himself, anyone could come up with that answer, closed his window and the train pulled out of the station.

Ten years later the same salesman is on the same train that pulls into the same old west railroad station and the same Arapaho Indian is still sitting on the same bench with the same sign.

The salesman opens his window and decides to be polite and friendly this time, raises his right hand and says “How”

The Indian replied back with “Scrambled”!

[HansV]

[ChrisGreaves]

I hadn't seen that one, so thanks!

I'm assuming you've heard the Bill Bailey "Pub" Jokes ... such as this one and this one.

[DenGar]

A young man went to a fortune teller. Gazing into her crystal ball, the old lady asked, “What is your dream, young man? What do you want to do with your life?”

“I want to become a great writer.

"How do you define great?” she asked.

“I want to write things that the whole world will read, things that people will react to on a truly emotional level, things that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation and anger.

”The fortune teller reassured him, “It will be so.”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

[AlanMiller]

And two more bar jokes:

Two hydrogen atoms walk into the bar.
One stops dead and exclaims, "Oh no! I've lost my electron!"
The second one says, "Are you sure?"
The first one replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

René Descartes walks into the bar.
The barman asks, "And will it be a beer you'll be having Mister Descartes?"
Descartes replies, "I think not."
... and pooof! He disappears.

[Argus]

... and pooof! He disappears.

(At least then we don't have to create conspiracy theories about what happened in Stockholm 1650. Though it's true that it took a few years, to put it mildly, before his head also was moved back to France. )

Mathematics is made of 50% formulas, 50% proofs and 50% imagination.

[AlanMiller]

And back to Beckham

Its the year 2019 and Romeo Beckham is about to sign professional terms with Manchester United.
Pondering the situation, he asks his Father, "What squad number should I ask for dad?"
David thinks for a moment and says... "Wear four out there Romeo"

[HansV]

"Wear four out there Romeo"

[viking33]

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN


The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed,
And Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest,
It is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must
Tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering
An entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to
Pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is
Good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance
Exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test
As it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I
Know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.


First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?


Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?


Third:
What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and
Says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the
First one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and
He exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you dohave a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's
Got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.
'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
Though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied,
'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated
And frustrated St Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you
Came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest
One of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
And said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'


Lord, Give me a sense of humor
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,

[geecee]

Thought it would be time for a few more laughs, maybe not but just

Aren't Older Women Great.

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said.....
"Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems........

[ChrisGreaves]

... The Hedge Sketch

I hadn't seen that one, so thanks!

Hans, I'm only replying to your post because some joker re-opened the eight-year old thread (grin)
By now you should know all about The Two Ronnies "Fork Handles" sketch.

Cheers
Chris

[HansV]

Yes, the Four Candles sketch has been mentioned in Scuttlebutt (see http://www.eileenslounge.com/viewtopic.php?f=44&t=28350" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;). It's hilarious.

[kdock]

Two guys in New York City are out walking their dogs one evening. The first guy has a beautiful German Shepherd and the second guy has his wife's Chihuahua.

It's a hot day and the first guy says "Hey, let's duck into this bar and have a couple of cold ones." The second guy says "We can't take our dogs in the bar."

First guy says "Sure we can! Watch this." He puts on his sunglasses and walks in. While his friend watches from the door, the bartender says "Hey! You can't bring that dog in here." And the first guy says "Hey! He's my seeing-eye dog." The bartender, looking a little sheepish says "Oh, okay. Sorry."

The second guy whips on his sunglasses and strolls in. "Hey! You can't bring that dog in here!" And the second guy says "He's my seeing-eye dog."

The bartender says "Really? A Chihuaha?"

And the second guy says "They gave me a Chihuahua??!!"

[geecee]

Wasn't sure whether I should start a new post so I posted here.

They've a name for it. Some examples of business names at https://www.thoughtco.com/store-name-puns-1692773" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[HansV]

Two guys in New York City are out walking their dogs one evening. (...)

That's an excellent one too!